Recommendations
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
A fantastic book for all people interested in having a healthy an erotically-fulfilling relationship. Perel does a great job speaking to all types of people - monogamous, polyamorous, queer, straight, kinky, vanilla. She presents case studies in an extremely palatable way to illustrate her ideas around our needs for both security and mystery, for safety and adventure.
Her podcasts, Ted Talks and online workshops are equally helpful: estherperel.com
You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
Schwartz is the founder of Internal Family Systems, which is a somatic therapy rooted in self-compassion and the idea that our psyches are made of unique and interconnected parts with their own needs, fears and desires. This book applies that theory and therapy model to intimate relationships, arguing that we have to be the primary partner and caretaker of our own parts. This helps us to shift our partner out of “savior” role and into a role of mutual support and joy.
All About Love by bell hooks
bell hooks is an incredible writer, activist and philosopher who offers a complete and transformative perspective on love. While not an explicit therapy book, adopting her ethic of love can be extremely helpful to develop healthy relationships. I recommend this book to anyone getting stuck in harmful cycles or behaviors in their relationship. hooks also brings in the spiritual aspect of love to create a wholistic vision of how to love one another.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is my favorite book written on the topic of consensual nonmonogamy because it uses attachment theory to guide us through the challenges and wonders of CNM. It is trauma-informed and written by a practicing therapist, and a practicing nonmonogamist. I find it to be deeply compassionate and validating for everyone who has ever balanced the desire for freedom and for a secure relationship, who is practicing nonmonogamy while experiencing their attachment wounds at the same time. This book is full of theory, philosophy, active support and guidance, clinical cases and personal narrative from Jessica Fern.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
This is really the bread and butter for current sex education. Emily Nagoski is incredibly scientifically informed, yet writes in a highly accessible way. Knowledge is power, and this type of sex ed can absolutely help you improve your sex life. There is a workbook to pair with it, and a sequel written for couples titled Come Together. I recommend all three if you want a deep dive into current research and science on sex and intimacy.